Hansel and Gretel A Shonenai Fairy Tale
by Twilight Goddess Sage
Summary: My fist shonen-ai story AU Naruto and Ino are Hansel and Gretel. Pairings included are one sided SasuNaru, one-sided OroIru, GaaNaru, and KakaIru. More may be added later. Yes, there is a plot!
1. Chapter 1

Hansel and Gretel

By: Twilight Goddess Sage

Sage: "Um yeah, for the first time ever, I am writing a shonen-ai story."

Ryu-kun: "Congrats Sage, Wahoo!" (throws up some confetti.)

Sage: "Um, yeah thanks Ryu-kun…I dedicate this fic to the perverted darker part of my subconscious, which I call, Monster. She loves things that are crude and violent; I often resent her, and sometimes well…let's not go there."

Monster: "Thank you so much Sage-chan! I feel so happy I could--"

Chibisage: "Enough, enough!"

Fuumashi (picks up a stack of papers): "Anyways, this is a fanfic which involves the characters from the popular anime/ manga series, Naruto. It also takes place in an alternative universe, so time frames specific to the anime are thrown out the window and canonized relationships are ripped at the seams."

Miyu: "Also, there will be minor characters brought out of the grave and waltzing amongst the living, while some characters may not show up at all. The viewers may have a request, but Sage-chan here has already written up three chapters and has a story line. So all you people that are like, 'Oooh give me some of that GaaNeji or ItaDei or OroKabu,' can it please unless you think it would truly benefit the plot. Yes there is a plot; Sage refuses to write a story without a plot."

Sage (puts her hands on her hips): "Well plotless stories are just plain trash! Plot is what holds a story through thick and thin, without a plot…things are just crap!"

Chibisage: "Furthermore, Sage does not own Naruto, or the original fairy tale Hansel and Gretel."

Kira: "So anyhow, let's get on with it. This fic is rated T for now, due to crude language and crude ideas. The rating may go up as the story progresses."

**Chapter 1**

Once upon a time, there was a small hut far off from a little town wherein lived a poor woodcutter named Iruka and his children. Naruto was his son and Ino was his daughter. They lived humble but pleasant lives because for the most part, they were able to make ends meet. One night in the forest on his way home, Iruka came upon a beautiful sight, something that appeared to a long-black haired maiden in the moonlight. She had extremely pale skin and gorgeous gleaming eyes. He was so surprised that he almost dropped the heavy sack of food that he had purchased at the village on his way home.

However, what he didn't know was that this 'maiden' was in fact a man. He was a gay snake demon named Orochimaru who had been bathing; but when he caught a whiff of a lone human male, he flicked his tongue in delight and decided to lure the man towards him to have some mansex. _'Oooooh, this will be nice, now Sasuke-kun may not have to worry about being on the bottom for a while. If he's good looking, I may even keep him.'_ With that thought he slid out and dressed himself after drying off his skin but leaving his hair slick enough to give off a shine. He then set himself up on a rock where the moon would pore over his pale body and dressed himself loosely in a lavender robe. When Iruka found him, he smirked slightly when he heard the other gasp and looked over making eye contact. _'Ooooo, what have we here? He's not too bad on the eyes, rather cute with that scar on over the bridge of his nose actually. Yes, a keeper indeed,'_ the snake man thought to himself. After several minutes of silence he mused aloud, **"Why hello there, just how long do you plan on standing there looking?"** he then cocked his head coyly and murmured slyly, **"Do you like what you see?"**

Iruka blushed hoping it wouldn't show up in the shadows of the trees and gulped, **"Um…I-I'm sorry to disturb you, um…ma'am, I-I w-was just p-passing through and all…"** he muttered nervously.

'_Oh yes…definitely a cute one…I could just eat him up right now…'_ Orochimaru thought wickedly as he smiled at the stuttering man who was trying to look away but was held firm in the snake demon's gaze. **"Oh no…it's quite alright."** He then grinned, **"Although actually I'm a man…"**

At this Iruka's eyes widened and he bowed down in shame, **"I-I'm so sorry…sir, m-my mistake…I-I h-haven't s-seen too many men as b-beautiful as you…"** he murmured as he shook in nervousness.

"**Oh don't worry, dear,"** Orochimaru gushed out before he shot towards Iruka and wrapped an arm around the other man's waist while using his other hand to lift his chin up to where once again they were locked in eye contact.

"**U-uh…s-sir?"** Iruka shivered both from the cold produced by his sweat and the cool air of the night and his fright at the sudden closeness between him and the stranger.

"**Don't worry, and by the way, my name is Orochimaru,"** he murmured as he breathed warm air onto his captive, **"Oh, you're wet and shivering, allow me to escort you to my place to warm up."**

"**B-but!"**

"**It's not too far, and it's much closer than the village,"** Orochimaru murmured as he began to stroke circles over the human's back resisting the temptation to grope him and make him get defensive. _'I'll be damned if I let this delicious morsel go back to the village before I can ravish him.'_

"**B-but…m-my children!"** Iruka insisted fearfully.

Orochimaru stiffened slightly, _'Children?! Oh he's a married man is he…well…funny he didn't mention his wife…' _He sneered inwardly, _'I bet his wife is a bitch; I could pleasure him way better than she could.'_

"**M-my children…they are all alone back at the cabin…I-I need to get back so I-I c-can m-make them…dinner…"** Iruka pleaded, **"Pl-please let me go home!"**

Orochimaru's eyes widened for just a minute and he had to fight back a smirk, _'So this is the man my servants have been talking about who lives in the woods, the widower that lost his dear wife because of the two human twins she spawned. Hmmm…a change of plans, I guess I'll move right on in, get rid of the kids and then ravish this delectable man.'_ **"Oh, if you insist, but please let me accompany you, it's quite late and there are some creatures out that may be attracted to your goods,"** Orochimaru replied gesturing to the man's sack while snickering inwardly at his double meaning sentence, _'It's a wonder he hasn't been snatched up already, lucky for me, I suppose.'_

"**Um…really…you don't have to do that…I'll be fine…" **Iruka muttered unhappy that if Orochimaru came into his household than he would have to feed him as well and he had only brought enough provisions for himself and his two children for the next two days if they were lucky. **"I don't have much on me, and what I have is probably a bit meager for your tastes, sir." **He figured that based on Orochimaru's expensive looking yakuta that the man was of a noble house and was used to finer things.

'_Oh no…you aren't meager at all…kukukukuku…I know a fine sexy uke when I see one. Oh, he means the food in the sack, my bad,'_ **"Oh don't worry, I have already eaten tonight, so don't worry about that. I insist."**

And so, Iruka was unable to shake Orochimaru off and the two of them made their way to the humble little cabin in which Iruka, Naruto and Ino called home. Iruka was embarrassed to say the least that his new finely dressed acquaintance had to see it and apologized profusely before going to open the door. However the door swung open before he had the chance and a yellow and orange blur jumped on Iruka knocking the poor man down.

"**Iruka-papa, you're finally home, what took you so long?! We were so worried!"** Naruto yelled hugging his father.

Ino came out of the door behind him with her hands on her hips, **"Naruto, knock it off! You may have smashed the food!" **

Iruka sighed, **"Naruto, I'm fine, I'm sorry you were worried,"** he murmured consoling his son as he struggled to sit up, **"There was a ruckus at the smokehouse, apparently someone tried to make off with a ham again."**

"**I bet it was Zaku, that boy has no morals what-so-ever,"** Ino muttered shaking her head. She finally noticed Orochimaru, **"Oh my, we have a guest?!"**

"**Huh? Who?"** Naruto asked loudly as he got off of his father to squint at Orochimaru, **"Hmmmm, I've never seen this person before…Who are you?!"**

Ino punched him in the head giving him a big bruise and making him yelp, **"You idiot! Quit being so rude!"** she looked over at Orochimaru again and bowed, **"I'm sorry, he's rather cranky, you'll have to excuse him."**

Orochimaru looked over the two children as Iruka got back up on his feet, _'Hmmm, the boy would look better in a less hideous color; but he's not my type; he'd be too much of a challenge to be involved in a threesome.'_ He sighed but then he smirked, _'However, I do recall Sasuke saying that he would like a young one with enough energy to last many rounds of delicious sex. Hmmmm, I guess I'll send him that way so Sasuke can have his way with him. As for the girl…hmmm, hopefully she'll get eaten. If not, there are plenty of straight demons in the woods that may want a piece of her. Until I can get them out here, I'll just worm my way in.'_ **"Oh it's alright, my name is Orochimaru. It's nice to meet you."**

'_Wait, Orochimaru? Didn't Kiba mention something about a man named Orochimaru?'_ Naruto thought recalling a conversation he had with his friends over a game of cards.

Flashback

(Naruto is sitting with Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, Chouji, Zaku, and Dosu at a table. Several of them are engaged in a card game, while the others are just watching.)

Naruto: **"I have two kings!"**

Zaku: **"Bullshit!"**

Naruto (grins): **"Nope, I really do!"** (shows his cards).

Zaku: **"Damn it!"**

Kiba: **"Heh, with your skill in cards, it's a shame you don't play poker."**

Naruto (shakes his head): **"You know my father would shave my head if he caught me gambling."**

Chouji: **"So don't get caught then…"**

Zaku: **"Easy for you to say, that man is really hard to hide things from."**

Kiba (smirks): **"What if it was gambling not with money but with dares?"**

Naruto: **"Huh?"**

Shino: **"He means that if you lose you have to do something either really embarrassing or stupid."**

Shikamaru: **"Why bother, gambling is troublesome."**

Dosu: **"Why don't you just skip the gambling part and do a dare or lose your pride as a man?"**

Zaku: **"Feh, maybe if there was more than pride at stake or something offered I would."**

Kiba: **"In that case, I have a dare that if one of you would do it, I'd be willing to set, the next pheasant Akamaru and I bag."**

Dosu: **"It better be a good sized one…"**

Naruto (thinking): _'Hmmm even a medium sized one might be able to feed us for a night if we have some potatoes on the side.'_ **"I accept it!"**

Kiba (grinning): **"Heh, hey, you may want to hear the dare before you jump on it."** (he leans in closer after laying down his cards facedown while the others do the same so that they can hear better.) **"Hey, y'know, Akamaru came up upon something really creepy one evening. We were tracking a rabbit one night when suddenly we heard a loud hiss causing the furry thing to run off. We pressed on and—"**

Zaku: **"This isn't one of your horror stories is it?"**

Kiba (growls at him): **"Shut up and listen!"** (he takes a breath and goes on) **"So anyway, we pressed on and came to a clearing and we saw a giant snake that was bigger than the village head man's house. It was locked in combat with large boar and in the end it strangled the thing and bit it in the throat. When the boar died it transformed into a woman with dark hair. Then the snake returned to its form, which was a freaky man with long dark hair and yellow eyes. The only way I could tell the gender was by its deep voice as it voiced its triumph. I figured they were demons and waited until they were gone before we headed back home. So when I got back and talked to my mother, she said something about an Orochimaru, a snake demon who masqueraded as a man. He was notorious for making off with men and boys who were never seen again though sometimes strange noises would be heard in from the forest; however his activities had dwindled down some time ago. She warned me not to go into that neck of the woods; or I'd probably never come out again."**

Chouji: **"Sounds like a spooky story to me. Demon's aren't real…"**

(The rest of the boys except Kiba nod in agreement.)

Kiba (growls): **"Yes they are! I saw the demon myself with my own eyes! Akamaru did too! Right boy?"**

Akamaru (from under the table where he was chewing on a pig's ear): **"Arf! Arf!"**

Shino: **"Are you sure you didn't fall asleep and dream up this whole thing?"**

Kiba: **"I didn't dream it up! Now then for the dare; I dare one of you to go towards the west part of the woods where the snake demon is supposed to reside and bring back some his shed snake skin or something that proves you went there and made it out alive."**

(They all stare at him and then Zaku, Dosu, and Chouji start laughing at him.)

Zaku: **"That was a freaky story and all, but demons aren't real!"**

Dosu: **"Even if they were real, you wouldn't get me to go out there for one pheasant."**

Kiba: **"Fine, I'll throw in three pheasants and a duck!"**

Shikamaru: **"Hey, hey, Naruto, you live near there right? Have you ever heard anything kind of strange or seen anything like that?"**

(Naruto is silent as he looks stares off as if lost in thought.)

**End of Flashback**

'_Orochimaru, the snake demon who goes around as a man…this person has the long dark hair and yellow eyes alright…oh god! What if Kiba was telling the truth?! Why is this guy here with our father, why didn't he just take him when he had the chance?'_ Naruto's eyes narrowed as he looked Orochimaru over suspiciously, _'I'm keeping my eye on this person, he can't keep that form for long, and he isn't going to eat me, my sister or my father; not if I can help it!' _

"**Naruto, stop staring like that! Introduce yourself to the nice woman who came back with father," **Ino shouted, for she thought Orochimaru was a woman.

'_Is it a lady?'_ Naruto thought, _'Oh well, I'll just have to wait and see…'_ **"I'm Naruto, uh…nice to meet you too…Orochimaru…san…"** he muttered bowing.

'_Hmmmm…that boy had a calculating look in his eyes…he may be up to something,'_ Orochimaru thought, _'No matter, I'll tactfully get him out and his annoying little sister too, and then the fun will surely begin.'_

Sage: "So what do you think? Bad? Good? Needs work?"

Kira: "You should know the drill by now, read and review, oh and leave something constructive, nothing like 'o this is good, lol' or 'you suckz,' Leave some constructive criticism telling why you like it or dislike it. Got it?"

Sage: "If you like it, I shall post more!"

Chibisage: "Hope to see ya again!"


	2. Chapter 2 Sasuke appears

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel

By: Twilight Goddess Sage

Sage: "What! Nobody reviewed!?" (tears start coming down her cheeks) "I don…get it…"

Chibisage (pats her back): "There there, big sister, maybe if you put up another chapter more people will respond!"

Sasuke (shows up out of no where): "Give me some action!"

Sage (looks up and glares at him): "Shut up you asshole! You are my least favorite character, that's why you're a villain and just for that, you won't see him for this chapter!"

Sasuke (scowls at her): "Nooooooooo! Damn you annoying bitch!"

Wasabi (rolls her eyes): "Um…let me say this again, Sage doesn't own Naruto the series or the character, or…many things that are the way they are wouldn't be. Does that make sense?"

Fuumashi (nods): "Kind of…" (looks over to where Sage is shouting things not worth mentioning at Sasuke) "Just you know folks, Sage doesn't like Sasuke much however there will be lots of SasuNaru, just don't expect too much fluff…"

Ryu-kun: "Warning to the masses, There will be pedophiles and spanking in this chapter!

Miyu: "Helping us in future parts of the disclaimer are the formerly dead male members of the Sound Trio, Dosu and Zaku!"

Zaku: "I'm alive in this fic! That's what's great!"

Dosu: "Don't push it; we're only minor characters…"

Zaku: "Well hey; we're also doing a bit of the disclaimer too!" (looks out towards the readers) "Oh yeah, Sage doesn't own the original story of Hansel and Gretel which I think is kind of dumb and--"

Kira: "Enough, you've done your part. Let's begin!"

**Chapter 2**

And so even after the initial first night in which they all met Orochimaru, the snake man had stayed there at their humble little home, much to Naruto's dislike. Orochimaru played up on Ino's thoughts as to being a woman, and even flounced around and dressed like one. Iruka was unnerved by this and felt bad about leaving his children alone with this strange person who he thought he remembered telling him he was a man, but he had to go out to chop wood in order to feed his family.

"**Be careful father, don't stay out too late!"** Ino called to him after handing him a little lunch of millet balls and a pork dumpling.

"**Yeah, Iruka-papa! Please stay safe!"** Naruto called waving to him and then hugging him.

"**I'll be fine, Ino and Naruto,"** Iruka assured them both after Naruto released him, **"Please be good to Orochimaru-san, okay?"**

"**Yes father,"** they both replied nervously glancing at the dark haired person wearing their mother's old yakuta much to their dislike. Ino had to blink back tears as she tried to restrain Naruto from screaming at the demon, although she was itching to do the same.

Orochimaru however relished their unhappiness being the cold bastard himself, _'If you think this is bad, kiddies, you have yet to experience torture,'_ he sneered at them, _'And you Naruto, you shall experience bondage probably at Sasuke's hands, in time. But maybe I'll give you a nice spanking before you go, kukukuku…'_ he added while his eyes gleamed in glee. He then called to Iruka, **"Oh yes, do be careful, dear!"**

Iruka blushed turned away from the man in his wife's clothes, which he also disliked but couldn't find the words to say otherwise. The last time he tried to reason with Orochimaru to take them off, Orochimaru had nearly hypnotized him with his eyes and stolen a kiss. He had then since avoided eye contact with the cross-dresser all together. He sighed and then gave one final wave and a smile to his children and then started off.

As soon as he was out of sight, the children glanced back at the man, Naruto even muttered, **"Is it just me, or are you being awfully friendly with our father?"**

Ino, who would usually yell at him actually sided with him, **"Yeah, and who do you think you are wearing our mother's clothes?"**

Orochimaru's eyes darkened as he snapped at them, **"Insolent bratsss, how dare you sssscorn me so! Hassss your mother's abssssence made you forget how to addresssss a woman?!"**

"**You're not Mother!"** Naruto bit back, **"You are--"**

But he was cut off when Orochimaru smacked upside the head, **"Sssshut up, or I won't give you dinner and sssspank you!"**

"**Spank me?!"** Naruto cried out after recovering from the shock of being smacked.

"**Yessss, that's right you little brat!" **Orochimaru spat back, although there was a creepy look in his eyes, **"Now clean this houssssse! I want it to be clean and tidy by the time your father returnsssss or I ssssshall spank you."**

Naruto and Ino were appalled by this; however they figured that since their father wasn't around they had no choice. They looked at each other and groaned before going off to begin cleaning the house. Once they were out of Orochimaru's sight, the snake demon grinned and cackled to himself, **"Kukukukuku! That was too easy; I thought for sure that Naruto at least would fight back a little, but oh well…Now to deliver the news to Sasuke-kun!"**

Orochimaru picked a grass blade and blew on it to summon up his demonic vassal, Kabuto. After Kabuto arrived and received the message, he sped off to find Sasuke.

Sasuke was in a foul mood. It had been a while since he had heard from Orochimaru, his only 'friend' and mostly a friend with benefits at that. He was going through a dry spell and he was not thrilled about it. Although he was sick for a while of always being on the bottom when fucked by Orochimaru, this lack of sex was driving him nuts even more so. He figured that if he didn't hear from the older demon soon, he would go out and search for him and gauge his eyes out when he found him for all the torment he was going through. As an incubus, he could not live without sex; it was what gave him energy and sustained life within him as shameless as it sounded though he could care less. He longed for a victim, preferably a virgin of a young ripe age who he could invite on in and ravish for as long as the young one could give without breaking. Then he would let the boy rest and do it over again. Oh yes a young appetizing boy to last many tasty rounds. He went hard just thinking about the possibilities. He was brought out of his thoughts by an approaching demonic messenger.

"**Kabuto!"** he growled out sounding rather peeved, **"Why have you come here?"**

"**I have come bearing you news from Orochimaru-sama about something or rather someone you might like,"** Kabuto replied politely.

Sasuke raised his eyebrows but said coolly, **"Fine, I'm listening."**

Kabuto told him about Naruto, describing his features and his personality in accurate detail. Over the course of the explanation, Sasuke's nose started to bleed; obviously he was thrilled by what he heard. When Kabuto was done the demonic vassal murmured, **"So are you interested in Orochimaru sending the boy your way?"**

Sasuke licked his lips and purred, **"Oh yes, of course…I would be delighted to have this delicious boy over,"** Sasuke chuckled but then frowned, **"However his sister does not sound good to me, although I'd like to hear her agonizing screams as I ravished her brother in front of her…but still that might make him unwilling…hmmm…is there anyway I can get the boy without his sister?'**

Kabuto shook his head, **"Probably not, the boy Naruto is very protective of his family and will probably not consent to anything if his sister is not at his side**."

"**What a pity,"** Sasuke groaned, **"I guess I shall have to lure them both here and then separate them. It should be worth it in the end though…"  
**

Kabuto nodded, **"Alright, I shall report back to my master,"** he then turned to go before Sasuke called back to him.

"**Oh…what is this poor boy's favorite food?"** Sasuke asked.

Kabuto smirked as he replied, **"Ramen…"**

Sasuke blinked in surprise but then laughed, **"Heh, this will be too easy…he shall soon be all mine…Kukukuku!"**

After Ino and Naruto finished cleaning the house they were exhausted and so they sat down at the kitchen table feeling rather sore. **"That woman…is a monster…"** Ino panted.

"**I think she's a demon…"** Naruto replied after taking a deep breath.

"**What difference does it make?"** Ino asked her brother.

"**I…heard a rumor from Kiba…about a demon named Orochimaru…"**

"**So? That guy's not a good source…he's well known for his tall tails…"**

"**Yeah well…his description of Orochimaru was really detailed…and it fits this person really well. He also said that his mother said that the demon masqueraded as a human but was in fact a giant snake…"**

"**A snake? For real?"** Ino asked then she pondered this for a moment, **"Now that you mention it, she did hiss at us earlier when she told us to clean up the house."**

"**I wonder how long she can keep this form, where is she now?"** Naruto asked.

"**I-I don't know,"** Ino replied paling, **"Y-you think she's a sn-snake right now?"**

"**Maybe,"** Naruto mused, **"I want to see!"** he then got up and went over to the door to put his shoes on.

"**You idiot! Don't go! It's dangerous! If she sees you, she may eat you!"** Ino shrieked.

Naruto looked back at her with a grin on his face, **"I doubt that. If Iruka-papa comes back and finds me gone, Orochimaru will be at fault, especially if she looks like she's been well fed. Besides, Kiba said gave a dare that if any guy found either a snake skin or evidence of finding remains of Orochimaru and brought it in; he'd give us two plump pheasants and a duck for free. Think about it! We'd be able to have a nice dinner!"**

Ino sighed, "**Well I can't remember the last time I had pheasant; but I still think that it's really dangerous!"**

Naruto sighed, **"Well…I won't confront her, I'll just look for some snake's skin, okay?"**

"**Be careful, Naruto."**

Naruto nodded and then instead of going out the front door, he crawled out of the big window and then slid the screen back before wandering out. Ino stepped closer to the window hesitantly. She couldn't deny it; she was curious, but she kept telling herself that she was worried about her only brother. After a while she heard her brother come back crying out in astonishment, **"Oh my gosh! Ino, look out here, you gotta see this!"**

Ino hesitantly opened the window and looked out then gasped, **"N-no…w-way…"** she stuttered out as she looked at the shreaded skin that Naruto held in his arms that was so big that he could wrap it around his shoulders, **"I-I don't believe it…"** She then pinched herself and looked again and gasped.

"**Heh heh…neat huh? I'm gonna put it in our room and bring Kiba and everyone back here so they can see it! There's no way I'm carrying it to the village!"** Naruto chirped excitedly, **"Then we'll have some nice meat for dinner and--"**

"**Naruto, something's coming, get in here quick…"** Ino whispered as they heard something growl. Naruto rolled up the snake skin tossed it to Ino who caught it and hid it quickly under their bed. When she looked back out she saw Orochimaru sneering down at her brother. _'Oh no!'_ Ino thought.

"**And jussst what are you doing out here?"** Orochimaru hissed at the freaked out blonde boy.

"**Uuuumm well,"** Naruto began staring up at those creepy yellow eyes of the demon's, **"We um…finished cleaning the house and all so I was…I was going to see my friend's in the village."**

Orochimaru for some reason got really mad at him at this reason, _'Has he figured me out? There's no way I'm letting him go back. He shall not leave my sight until my minions lead him towards Sasuke. The little gaki; if he weren't so important towards keeping my good graces with Sasuke-kun, I would have killed him and fed him to my servants,' _he thought but then smirked, _'Maybe if I get him riled up enough I shall have a good reason to spank his silly little bottom due to his unwillingness to cooperate…kukukukuku…'_

"**What's wrong with going to see my friends?"** Naruto asked him snapping him out of his thoughts.

"**You little wretch! You will sssssstay here until your father comessssss back! We will eat after he returns and then you will go to sleep. Your sssssilly friends ssssurely can get by without you."**

"**But that's absurd!" **Naruto yelled at him sounding more than a little bit aggravated.

In one quick motion, Orochimaru was holding Naruto under his arm and took him to the other side of the house smirking when he heard Ino scream.

"**Maybe, but unwillingness decrees a spanking,"** Orochimaru murmured almost giddily.

"**What?!"** Naruto yelped before he was thrown down and Orochimaru began slapping his butt cheeks hard, making him cry out in pain. Ino was sobbing as she heard her cries. Orochimaru however was enjoying this rough form of groping.

'_He has a very nice ass, if I do say so myself; Sasuke-kun will be pleased…'_ he thought smugly to himself.

Sage: "I can't believe I wrote that ought, poor Naruto…"

Ryu-kun: "Get over it; I'm sure the fans will…"

Zaku: "Yeah, really."

Dosu: "So anyway, now that the authoress has graced you all with another chapter, please be sure to leave a review…"

Sasuke: "Yeah, review! I'm a cranky Incubus, and I want action! If I don't get some than I can't be my usual angsty and cold self!"

Naruto: "Quit PMS-ing Teme."

Gaara: "…"


	3. Chapter 3 Much Plotting

Hansel and Gretel: A shonen-ai fairy tale

**Hansel and Gretel: A shounen-ai fairy tale**

**By: Twilight Goddess Sage**

Sage: **"Woo-hoo I got a review!" **(does a happy dance)** "Thank you, thank you, ****Samantai****! As it happens it is the same person who inspired me to do my first shounen-ai fic as a parody of a fairy tale!"**

Wasabi: **"See how she gets psyched over just one review, imagine how she would act if a bunch more people reviewed. Don't delay, make her day!"**

Ryu-kun: **"You sound like a commercial…"**

Zaku: **"Whatever…oh yeah, Sage owns nothing except the idea for the fic."**

Chibisage: **"Without further ado, let's get going with the 3****rd**** chapter!"**

Dosu (monotone): **"Yeah! Woo-hoo!"**

Miyu: **"Oh come on! Yaaaaay!"**

**Chapter 3**

That night when Iruka came home, he opened the door and there was no one there to greet him although the place was spotless. **"U-um…hello,"** he called out, **"Ino? Naruto? Orochimaru-san? I'm home!"**

"**I-iruka-papa!"** his son cried out running from wherever he was and gave him a big hug that knocked him over again. It was a tradition that Iruka had grown used to; his son explained that it was his way of showing love in a 'manly' way.

Ino came up to him smiling and looking relieved. She didn't even scold Naruto for knocking him down. **"Hello Father, we're glad to see you,"** she said.

It was then that Orochimaru showed up, **"Hello darling, it's good to see you well after a hard day's work."** He then scowled at Naruto, **"Get off of your father, I'm sssssure he hassss had a long day and isss exhausssted."**

Something was wrong; Iruka knew it, especially since Naruto was cringing in pain as he pulled both of them up. **"Are you okay?"** he asked them.

Ino looked like she was trying really hard to keep a worriless smile on her face, **"Of course we are father, why wouldn't we be?" **

Iruka looked at Orochimaru, noticing that Naruto and Ino avoided looking his/ her way**. "What happened while I was out?"** he asked his expression serious.

"**Oh nothing much, the children cleaned up the place, they are merely sore from the activity,"** the snake homo drawled out cheerfully.

'_As if…that hussy,'_ Ino thought darkly, _'She's up to something…'_

'_Sore from the activity? Yeah right, Iruka-papa knows that I have double the energy of normal boys, a little cleaning would never make me hurt like this!'_ Naruto thought, _'Maybe when we cook the meal I'll put a little something extra in her tea!'_

"**Well…it was nice of you two to clean the house,"** Iruka muttered feeling as if he was still missing something, **"It looks great. Let's have dinner."**

"**Oh, the children have already eaten, they can go right to bed,"** Orochimaru chirped, **"Go along you little dearssss…"** he/she nearly hissed at the two disbelieving children who had not eaten yet.

'_What the heck!'_ Naruto thought.

'_She has no right to do this to us!'_ Ino thought.

"**No, we just had a snack, we would never dream of eating without father,"** Ino said pleasantly.

'_You little brat!'_ Orochimaru hissed to himself, _'I'll sssshow you!'_

"**A sssssnack?!" **Orochimaru murmured trying not to sound angry, **"Issss that what you call the feassst I made you? You jesssst!"** he then turned to Iruka, **"I fed them enough, they just feel obligated to eat a little with you. Go to bed now, you little dears,"** Orochimaru said in a sweeter voice although when he looked at them from an angle Iruka couldn't see, he gave them a threatening glare. Naruto recoiled and nodded as Ino nodded as well and they murmured a goodnight to their father before heading off to their room. Iruka was concerned by this and turned back to Orochimaru when he noticed Orochimaru was shaking and his normally pale face was red.

"**Orochimaru-san, are you feeling alright? You're awfully red, if you don't feel well, it's alright if you want to turn in early,"** Iruka murmured snapping him out of his thoughts.

"**Oh don't be silly, darling,"** Orochimaru slurred as he draped himself over Iruka, _'Ah yes, the humble little man I am going through all the trouble to settle in with. I wonder what he looks like without all these sweaty clothes on, kukukukuku,'_ **"I'm fine…dear,"** he said as he brushed against the man's thigh delighting in his shivers. **"Come in to the kitchen and I'll serve you some dinner,"** he offered giggling when Iruka's stomach growled delighting at his adorable embarrassed look; Orochimaru then slid his arm around the man's waist and hustled him into the kitchen, _'I must satisfy his needs first before he is able to satisfy mine. Soon my dear, soon,' _ he thought as he subtly rubbed the man's butt.

"**I'm so hungry…"** Naruto muttered, as he went about putting his pajamas on.

"**So am I,"** Ino agreed as she walked out from behind a dividing curtain that ensured that she could change without the men of the house seeing. Iruka's good friend Kurenai had sewn it and put it up for her (free of charge, bless her heart) so that she could have some privacy.

"**Hey, wait a moment,"** Naruto thought as if he had an idea, **"I think…I think I have a stash of instant ramen I got from Chouji behind the loose plank in the outhouse."**

Ino wrinkled her nose, **"Why would you keep it there?"**

"**Well…Iruka-papa yelled at me when I tried to put it in here, he didn't want me eating it in here because it would attract bugs and stuff, but I'd say desperate times call for desperate measures."**

"**Assuming it's still there, and it doesn't have pee in it,"** Ino murmured.

"**Hey, it's better than nothing, the only problem is that we'll have to get to it without that snaky witch finding us out,"** murmured Naruto, **"Although I do have a good alibi if she catches me in route, I can say that I really gotta go…"**

"**Yeah, yeah, I got it,"** Ino murmured, **"I'll keep a look out, I guess."**

"**Great thanks, sis!"** Naruto said happily, **"Although what are we going to do about hot water?"**

"**I don't know…I guess we could eat it cold, what was that you said about desperate times and such?"**

"**I guess so…"** Naruto sighed as he walked over to the back window and slid out as quietly as he could, he waved to her once he was out and walked along to the outhouse, _'Actually, I really do have to go…for real…so my story isn't a total lie…'_ he crept along the familiar path using the light of the moon to guide him. Along the way he came upon some shiny black stones that looked suspiciously like scales. _'What the heck? Are these scales? Even more evidence that a demonic snake is in the area…'_ He picked them up and found them rather delicate because it appeared that they had been shed off as well. He ended up shoving them into the bag he was going to save for the ramen, figuring he could fit that in as well.

When he made it to the outhouse, he opened the door trying to keep it from making a loud squeak as he closed it and then set aside to go about his business. When he was done his first order and got up to go outside to the water pump to wash his hands he saw a giant spider about as big as big as Kiba's little dog, it could probably eat Akamaru for dinner. He gulped and then freaked when he saw something akin to drool come run out of its jaws. **"D-don't eat me, please…"** he whimpered.

"**Nah…"** it muttered, **"I like girls, but you do have a nice set of hips…" **

"**What!?"** Naruto asked, _'It talked…it must be a demon too…didn't that old man at the bar say something about familiars…'_

Flashback

(After Kiba set the dare, the boys are walking out of the tavern.)

Chouji: **"Demons…as if?"**

Dosu: **"No kidding, Kiba must have had a wild and crazy dream indeed."**

Kiba: **"I tell you, it's true!"**

Akamaru: **"Arf!"**

Zaku: **"Enough, already…"**

Shikamaru (to Naruto): **"So have you noticed any of the like near your neck of the woods?"**

Naruto**: "Well…Ino once came back screaming because she came upon a monster but it turned out to be a night crawler. My sister is such a wuss when it comes to creepy crawlies."**

Shino: **"I would think that living in the woods, she would have gotten over this fear."**

Naruto (nodded): **"Yeah, I know."** (His face then furrows to a serious look and he folds his arms) **"Although now that I think of it, I once heard something at night while in the outhouse that sounded like someone laughing, it was kind of creepy, but I think it was the wind."**

Shikamaru: **"Laughing?"**

Naruto (nods): **"Well actually it was more like a cackle, a deep dark cackle and really sinister."** (He waves his arm around in the spooky gesture.) **"It was really spooky, but I figured it was just the wind."**

Dosu: **"It gave you nightmares didn't it?"**

Naruto: **"Shut up!"**

(An old man with glasses walks out in front of them just before they reached the door.) ((Think Tazuna in the Naruto Abridged version))

Zaku: **"Hey move it geezer, we wanna leave!"**

Chouji: **"Hey watch it! Didn't anyone ever tell you to be nice to your elders?"**

Zaku: **"He's probably some old drunk who wants us to pay his tab because he drank more than he could pay for, my old man does it all the time…"**

Kiba (sniffs): **"He does smell like whisky…"**

Akamaru: **"Arf! Arf!"**

Old man: **"Hey, young'ns **_**hic**_** I couldn't help but over hear your conversation…"**

Shikamaru: **"Oh boy…now he wants to add his input…are you going to tell us some wild tail about a demon too?"**

Old man: **"Listen to yer chubby friend over here an'respect yer elders; I go' something ta say 'bout these demons ya ought ta know b'fore settin' out."**

Dosu: **"Listen, sir, we aren't even considering following this thing out--"**

Old man (goes on as if he didn't hear Dosu): **"Be careful 'bout 'is. Orochima'u 'specially is a nasty one. This mangy dog boy and 'is pooch were lucky jus' to 'ave gotten away w'out bein' knabbed--"**

Kiba (nearly snarling): **"Who's mangy?!"**

Akamaru (sounding indignant): **"Arf aaaarf!"**

Old man (clears his throat and continues): "**As I wa' sayin'; besides the snake, ya gotta watch out fer 'is familiars, errrr…'is subordinates, if ya will…'ey heed 'is call and do 'is dirty work an' act as extra eyes an' ears. Watch out fer them as well."**

Zaku: **"More demons? Oh boy…"**

Naruto (sounding nervous): **"What forms do they take?"**

Old man (shrugs): **"Anythin' from a smaller snake, t' a worm. Though he bein' a mighty snake, he may be picky 'bout who he 'as followin' 'im. So I believe they'd be probably predatory critters 'ike hawks, an' spid'rs. Ya can tell 'em apart from regular animals by their size."**

Chouji: **"But demons aren't real, they are all legend. They are stories told to keep kids from running around in the woods at night and doing stupid things."**

Old man (gets a dark creepy look in his eyes): **"Is that what ya think? 'an how da ya explain the people tha' never returned? How da ya explain the dreadful noises from the woods tha' sounding like moaning and groaning? Eh?"**

Chouji: **"The wind could have been responsible for the noises…"**

Old man (shakes his head): **"Blame it on the wind, will ya…hic…youn' folks these days are fools…"**

Shikamaru: **"Who actually disappeared?"**

Old man (sighed): **"My daughter's boyfriend, that young man Arashi and a few of his brothers, Mizuki-san, oh an' there was one man who came back, Kimimaru-san. How'eva 'e ain't in any in any position ta recount much, he' can barely get up from bed, 'is family says tha' at night he tosses and turns 'n 'is sleep and moans and groans as if reliving the time with Orochim'ru."**

Naruto: **"Moaning and groaning in pain?"**

Zaku (bursts into laughter): **"You idiot…you don't get it do you?"**

Naruto: **"What?!"**

End of flashback

'_So this spider…is a subordinate of the snake witch?'_ Naruto thought looking panicked, _'I better get my ramen and the scales and run.'_ He got up hurriedly zipping his pants keeping an eye on the freakish spider who also seemed to be a pervert as he recalled the hip comment. **"My hips are nice? What do you mean by that?"** he asked trying to distract the demon as he went about sneaking the ramen out.

The spider seemed to be chuckling at him, **"I mean what I said, you have nice wide curvy hips, it's a shame you aren't a woman,"** the spider explained then he added in a softer voice, **"Though I'm sure Sasuke-sama will be pleased."**

"**I'm not a girl!"** Naruto barked at him as he tapped the plank and snuck the ramen out hiding it in his bag.

"**I know your not…the worm between your legs, although a bit small, says as much,"** the demon assured him cheekily.

"**Gah! I'm still growing, sheesh!"** Naruto squawked, he then glared as menacingly as he could as he headed out and then growled at him, **"If you know what's good for you though, stay the hell away from my sister, you freak!"** He then stopped at the pump, rinsed his hands and walked back to his room.

"**Whoa, talk about a change of mood, that is one feisty blond!"** the spider murmured as he crawled down and crept out of the outhouse to look at the moon.

"**Damn it, Kidomaru! You aren't supposed to interact with them!"** one of two hawks joined at the back jeered at him as they swooped down.

"**Yeah, now that kid knows for sure that he's a demon,"** the other piped up, **"Nice going."**

"**I don't know,"** came another voice and out poofed a badger, **"He seemed to be a dunce, and you know what they say about dumb blondes…"**

"**Can it! Fat-ass! I heard him talk about it to his sister earlier,"** a pink-haired girl spat as she appeared on the roof holding a flute.

"**Well…what should we do?"** Kidomaru asked.

"**We spoke to Kabuto-san earlier,"** one of the hawks said, **"He told us that he plans on taking them out and losing them in the woods and luring them towards Sasuke-sama's house where he'll take the boy and do something with the girl."**

"**Hmmm…how come he didn't tell the rest of us anything, why did he only tell you two?"** the badger asked.

"**It's not important why he told Sakon and I and not you!"** the other hawk squawked at him.

"**The issue is that for a boy and a girl raised in the woods, it may be difficult to get them lost,"** Sakon explained.

"**Hmmm, that is a dilemma,"** Kidomaru mused as he flexed his legs, **"Hmmmm, I hear his sister hates bugs, and our kind aren't too different, so maybe I could send some of my friends towards her and make her run off in a random direction."**

"**Her ass of a brother would then run off after her; and your friends could lead them to Sasuke-sama's!"** the girl reasoned snapping her fingers, **"I can use my flute if need be."**

"**I really don't think that'll be necessary,"** Sakon sneered.

"**Don't be cocky, brother,"** the other hawk cautioned, **"That blonde seems smarter than he looks."**

"**Are you serious, Ukon?"** Sakon asked his brother.

"**Feh, I wonder what he'd do if he caught me touching his sister,"** Kidomaru mused, **"Can I have her when Sasuke-sama disposes of her? I wanna see what she looks like wrapped up in my web in the nude."** He started to drool.

"**Ugh, you're sick,"** the badger murmured shaking his head.

"**You just don't appreciate the concept of having a human female naked and helplessly tied up and being able to do anything you please with her fine body, Jirobo, oh yeaaah!"** Kidomaru mused then he started to chuckle perversely.

"**Assuming it's fine, for all you know the little bitch is a stick what with what little food she eats,"** the girl muttered.

"**Tayuya shut up; quit ruining my fantasy! You're just asexual!"** Kidomaru screamed at her.

"**I am not asexual, you jackass!"** Tayuya yelled back at him indignantly, **"I just haven't found anyone worth my time! Everybody is a weakling, a cold unfeeling jerk, a fucked up queer, a stupid prick, an ugly desperate hussy, or a whiny annoying bitch!"**

"**You've checked on your own gender too?"** Sakon asked, **"Are you that desperate?"**

"**Shut up already,"** Ukon chided them, **"We don't want any of the humans to hear us!"**

"**Fine,"** came the unanimous response.

Sage (stretches): **"So how was that?"**

Miyu (rubs her hands together): **"The plot thickens!"**

Dosu: **"Wow…you sure involved a lot of dead people…"**

Zaku: **"Hahahaha…Jirobo is a badger! Sakon and Ukon are a two-headed hawk! Kidomaru is a perverted spider! This is rich…hahahahaha!"**

Fuumashi: **"Too bad Tayuya and Kabuto aren't animals, though I'm not sure what they'd be…"**

Dosu: **"Hmmm…Kabuto could be an owl…"**

Chibisage: **"It would be hard to incorporate Tayuya's flute in an animal…so her form is fine, not all demons take on animal forms, after all."**

Wasabi**: "If any readers have any suggestions, they can send them in a review. Please review, Sage wants to know if people like it."**


End file.
